In order to succeed in marriage, there are several basics which need to be mastered. First, and possibly most simply, is knowing our own needs and being able to articulate the ones we want others to meet.
How dare I say such things?
I know, right? It seems anathema to some of us that someone isn't doting on our every whim, knowing precisely what we need and delivering with panache as we know they are so capable.
But wait...how does the fairy tale fit into reality?
From our studies, we've learned it's the Mother's job to meet our every need without any effort made on our part. We need only BE, and Mother comes to help us with whatever it is we need. We don't even need to know our own needs!! She is the queen and matriarch of all that goes well in our little kingdom world. Whether we need warmth, food, affection, good smells, help with gas, sleep, diapering or any other sort of attention, Mother is the one to do all this for us without so much as an official outburst from us!
When does this happen, and when does it end?
According to the Life Model team, Mother meets all the needs from birth to about 9 months of age. Around then, we can be taught how to express our needs in a more sophisticated manner.
So Mother begins to meet our needs for safety and nourishment without her knowledge, and that carries on for about ten months. Then we're brought into this world, and we get another set of months for her to help us with her knowledge, skills, and maturity. Then we learn to express our needs through visuals and words.
This is what happens in an ideal situation.
Okay, so what is going on then in SO many marriages where wives feel their husbands should meet all their wifely needs without expressly communicating them?
From what I've observed, the breakdown in marriages these days seems to have at its roots the breakdown of learning to receive nurturing in the first year of life. We are supposed to transition from infancy to toddlerhood learning how to say what we need, use our words, and receive it as love from a Mother.
Sadly, the notion of "spoiling" an infant, and leaving them to cry it out, has created generations of women who often not only do not know their own needs, they are going around (unknowingly) expecting men to know what they need.
When a good man has no idea what her unspoken needs are, she then assumes it means she has married the wrong man.
I would like to suggest she take some time inside of her marriage to take a break from looking to HIM for being her need-meeter, and instead to look within at what she indeed needs. What needs does she actually have? What needs is she able to meet herself, with friends and family, etc which do not require his attention?
For those of us on this tumultuous and often embarrassing journey going back into the needs of our childhood (and before), we've come across many resources which have helped us get a grasp on ourselves. If you have a vision of being a great wife to your good man, yet find yourself feeling pulled into bouts of fits because you feel like you have NO idea how to be vulnerable with him (he should KNOW what I need without me telling him!!!), you are in the right place.
Over time, and as grace and life permit, we will share more here via podcasts and videos, articles and stories in order to help you get a grasp of what's missing, so you can begin to build into your own self all that you are capable of doing.
On this journey you will likely face deep fears, horrible inadequacies within yourself, and discover longings and dreams which really just might come true once you learn how to put on your big girl pants and mature beyond childhood.
Learning the skills to care for yourself, as a person, and as a woman, are THE most important thing you can for your self, your marriage, family, neighborhood, community and society. There is a warning though, and that is that you MUST be balanced. You have work on these things while also tending to all those things within your Responsibility Sphere.
You're not alone. You can do this.
If you want support, you can join our group over on Facebook for those who are daring to Pioneer Again...to brave into those waters of relational intimacy where we are open, honest and able to lean on others in a wholesome way, where community is precious and marriage is sacred.
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